onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Randomize
