I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
