with your own penis?
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Randomize
