This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
