apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
