Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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