So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
