So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Randomize
