ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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