What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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