eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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