my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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