It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Randomize
