3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
My liver just broke up with me...
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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