I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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