I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
