whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Randomize
