My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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