A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
