She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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