five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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