I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Randomize
