Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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