i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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