***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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