what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
