so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
