I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Randomize
