$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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