i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
