I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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