At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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