answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
