I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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