I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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