So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
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