a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
