saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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