I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
