just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
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