Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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