Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Randomize
