I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I need a beard to bite.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
