hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
