a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
