What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
