You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Randomize
