It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
