The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
