there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
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